I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
