Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
