Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
