Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
