Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
