he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
