I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
