Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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