Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
