I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Randomize
