theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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