If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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