at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
