i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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