i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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