Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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