Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
