I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
