Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
