oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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