I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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