I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
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Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
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It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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