go do what you do best...puke behind churches
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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