so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
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If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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