great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
