you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
