So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
