This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I can't turn off my feet"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
