I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
