nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
