dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
handjob tips. give me some.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.