Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.