I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
