I want to have your abortion
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
