So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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