i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
