Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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