i'm signing you up for texting rehab
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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