We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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