so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
