I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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