i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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