everyone is single if you try hard enough
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
