you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
