the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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