So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
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Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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