where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
