seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She bit a glass in half.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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