Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
