So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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