Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
