I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
