I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
