cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
