I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So. Much. Porn.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
