I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
