trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
