My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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