when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
